VANCOUVER – Facing the possibility of life sentences, siblings Lee and Elton Konig were furious to find out today that golden child, James Jr., was getting a better criminal defense attorne…
History getting pretty fucking tired of having to repeat itself
WORLDWIDE – History’s voice was hoarse this morning and its tone increasingly impatient due to being pretty fucking sick of repeating itself. “Jesus Christ, we’ve ALREADY BEEN OVER THIS!!” …
Mom embarrasses son by whipping out old album full of dick pics
WINDSOR – A proud local mother embarrassed her son yesterday evening, when she showed his new girlfriend an album full of his old dick pics. “I get it, she’s proud of me,” said Timothy Henr…
Single woman spends afternoon daydreaming about her ideal future sandwich
Victoria, BC – In the hours preceding dinnertime today, single career-woman, Kathy Maxwell, let down her hair and got lost in a daydream about her ideal future sandwich. “Don’t get me wrong…
Thrifty women organize swap meet to trade unwanted male advice
MONTREAL – Dozens of thrifty women gathered for a swap meet this afternoon, to trade garbage bags full of unwanted male advice each had accumulated over the years. The women met early at a …
Local activist going to protests to avoid awkward conversation with roommate
TORONTO – Grateful for the mild weather and political unrest, local activist, Kelsey Fuller, keeps going to public protests to avoid having an awkward conversation with her roommate. “Lucki…
Local man has soul removed to make room for more opinions
Timmins, ON – After years on a wait list, local man Paul Sutton is safely recovering from the surgical removal of his soul, which has allowed him to hold over 70 more opinions. “There’s sti…
Extreme fitness gym uses Nazi slogan as motivational quote
CORNWALL, ON – The extreme fitness gym Shred Heads is facing struggles of its own after several of the motivational quotes stencilled on its walls turned out to be Nazi slogans. “I think it…
Bored shark eats terrible surfer just because he’s there
Tofino, BC – Continuing a weekend-long binge, a local shark bored-ate a terrible surfer Monday morning. “I wasn’t hungry, to be honest,” the shark said as he bit open a bottle of pepto bism…
Family raises stolen pint glass to honour man who taught them how to not look drunk
OTTAWA – The children of the Cartwright family are raising a stolen pint glass this father’s day, to celebrate the man who taught them how to look not drunk. “You really can never tell with…