WHITE FALLS, B.C. – Making a big old fuss after her cub was taken, one eleven-hundred pound local mother grizzly seems to have forgotten the age-old rule that finders are keepers, and loser…
Nation groggily wakes up next to Justin Trudeau
CANADA – After a ‘wild night’, where emotions and alcohol ‘may have gotten a little out of hand’, the nation has woken up with a splitting headache, next to Justin Trudeau. “Ohh boy,” said …
Deep feeling of weariness polling strongly in federal election
CANADA – A recent series of polls from Nanos and Ipsos-Reid show that a profound, crushing tiredness is still the federal election frontrunner. “While other parties have had their peaks and…
Tory scientists discover new base instinct to appeal to
OTTAWA – After years of research into the human species’ most contemptible tendencies, a group of Conservative Party researchers have come across an entirely new kind of loathsomeness to ex…
Harper forced to ask Ford brothers to eat chicken wings more quietly at campaign appearance
ETOBICOKE, ON – During a speech in front of over a hundred supporters yesterday morning, Prime Minister Harper had to pause several times to ask Rob and Doug Ford to eat their chicken wings…
Dozens of Disney employees set free during latest release from the Vault
BURBANK, CA – More than 40 Disney employees who had been declared missing since Feb. 10. were discovered today during the Diamond Edition re-release of Aladdin, having been trapped in the D…
Gilles Duceppe calls on other party leaders to give him fifteen dollars
QUEBEC CITY – Building on his reputation as a wild-card wiling to call out the other candidates on issues where they share the same biases, Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe has demanded…
Nation still fighting this goddamn cold
CANADA – Six days after their throats started to get scratchy, the entire country is still trying to get over this fucking cold. “Shit,” said every person in the country, catchi…
New Plutocratic Party supporter going to strategically vote Conservative
CALGARY – After determining that his party was unlikely to win, New Plutocratic Party supporter Harris Wilkes has decided to hold his nose and vote for Stephen Harper. “Of course, I’d love …
Mountain Dew to ‘Kickstart’ the home births of 17 lucky winners
TORONTO – In celebration of the launch of the new ‘Baby Pink Anarchy’ flavoured Mountain Dew Kickstart, 17 lucky winners are having their home births sponsored by Mountain Dew. “Our brand i…
