OTTAWA — Prime Minister Stephen Harper defended his current chief of staff’s involvement in the Duffy affair stating that he’s still got plenty of time before authorities catch up to him. H…
RBC unveils new savings account to pay for banking fees
TORONTO — Canada’s largest, most profitable bank announced today customers can now open a high interest savings account solely reserved for paying the bank’s lavish charges and fees. “RBC w…
Firefighters save town after repeating ‘white rabbit’ to change wind direction
KEREMOS, BC — A small town in the BC interior has been saved from the flames of a forest fire after dozens of firefighters changed the smoke’s direction by repeatedly saying ‘white rabbit’ …
Public servant fired for standing near election sign
OTTAWA — Making good on the promise to crack down on public servants participating in politics, the Department of Justice has fired a federal civil servant for standing too close to an elec…
Diefenbaker cancels Arrow program after discovering aircraft lacks cupholder
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. February 20th, 1959 WINNIPEG – Prime Minister John Diefenbaker has o…
Whitehorse changes name to ‘Yellowknife’ to avoid confusion
YELLOWKNIFE (Formerly known as WHITEHORSE) – To simplify things for Canadians living in large southern urban centers with no sense of northern geography, the City of Whitehorse will be chan…
Invasive homo sapiens species meet at forestry conference to discuss pine beetles
VANCOUVER – The world’s most destructive and invasive creature to its ecosystem, homo sapien sapiens, have convened a conference to discuss the spread of pine beetles. Certain members of th…
Shark attack kills three relevant news stories
VIRGINIA BEACH – A Great White Shark has taken the lives of three innocent, news-worthy stories yesterday in the US. The vicious assault on the three unsuspecting reports off the coast of V…
Ancient footprint reveals earliest evidence of humans stepping in dog shit
Calvert Island, BC – Researchers at UBC have uncovered possibly the earliest evidence of humans accidentally stepping in dog shit in North America. The turd, which has been radiocarbon date…
Report: Canadian General biologically wired to ignore sexual assault
OTTAWA – Chief of Defence Staff General Tom Lawson has a reportedly innate desire to overlook and dismiss the sexual assault and harassment within the Canadian Armed Forces. “It’s not my fa…
