TORONTO – The Warringtons of Toronto, Ontario got away from the big city over the long weekend by sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic as a family. “This was a bonding experience for us,” sa…
Tim Hortons celebrates 50 years of exploiting national identity for profit
HAMILTON, ON – International restaurant chain Tim Hortons is celebrating 50 years of instilling and manipulating contrived patriotic sentiment in Canadian consumers towards their brand coff…
Workplace accidents fall to zero after factory institutes strict ‘walk-it-off’ policy
HAMILTON, ON – Metallic refinery ConCan Steel has made it through an entire year with a flawless safety record after implementing a revolutionary “walk-it-off” policy, where employees compl…
I bet my daughter could beat up your daughter
By Henry Smithersbee Hey you! How strong is your daughter? I bet you that my daughter could totally beat up your daughter. Yeah, she’s really strong, and tough and stuff. So I don’t think your da…
Terrorists very disappointed with Olympic performance
The terrorists sent to Sochi from the northern Caucasus region of Russia, who want to establish an Islamic theocratic rule over their territory, apologized today for their lackluster performance …
Russian Olympic security apologizes in advance for Sidney Crosby’s concussion
SOCHI, RUSSIA – Sources inside the Russian security ministry are sending their deepest apologies to the Canadian Men’s Olympic Hockey team for the upcoming concussion soon-to-be sustained b…
Whole Foods introduces new gluten pizza
AUSTIN, TX – Health-conscious grocery chain Whole Foods will be launching a new kind of pizza which they promise will revolutionize the way their customers think about pizza by introducing …
Putin vows to finish Sochi Olympic facilities in time for next Sochi Olympics
SOCHI, Russia — Amid complaints from international media that much of the Sochi olympic facilities are still under construction and the hotel accommodations essentially unlivable, Russian P…
UPDATE: Puppy Bowl losers to be euthanized
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