Keith Cochrane, Author at The Beaverton

Brendan Shanahan fires himself

Toronto – Fresh off of a wave of firings including interim head coach Peter Horachek , GM Dave Nonis, and the entire front office, Toronto Maple Leafs President Brendan Shanahan entered a b…

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Boring student spends year abroad in Buffalo

BUFFALO, NY – Halfway into his year-abroad, Hamilton native Walter Meadows is reporting satisfaction with the cultural experience he’s received as a transfer student to upstate New York. Ci…

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Friend accused of premature reminiscing

TORONTO – Though friends Brian Burke, 28, and Keith Pittman, 30, mutually enjoyed a four-day road trip to Montreal, Burke was accused of prematurely reminiscing about the event. “We were on…

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Mitt Romney divorces wife to marry corporation

MANCHESTER, N.H. – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced he is divorcing his wife of 40 years to marry a corporation with whom he has had a love affair over the last seven…

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Yo-Yo trick fails to impress in-laws

CALGARY – A complicated yo-yo trick failed to impress Joel Steadman’s in-laws during Easter dinner this weekend. “I nailed a ‘Reverse Double or Nothing’ and got no reaction from Ellen’s par…

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Crips leaders accused of insider ganging

COMPTON, LA – Following the release of a tell-all exposé that surfaced earlier this week, leaders of the revered street gang the Crips are under investigation for insider ganging. In the ex…

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Homophobic doctor dies of prostate cancer

BARRIE, ON – Dr. Frank Lilles, 47, known for his outspoken refusal to take a prostate test, as he perceived the test to be homosexual in nature, died of prostate cancer yesterday. Many in t…

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