DEER CREVICE, ON – A week after their human baby was replaced during the night by an unsettling near-replica, local parents Dave and Samantha Grumner say that their lives are much more peaceful.
“Our human baby always kept us up by crying in the middle of the night,” said Dave. “Fortunately, the new baby is completely silent, except for that wet noise it makes when it smiles at us.”
Although friends of Dave and Samantha remember them expressing a fierce devotion to their human baby, James, sources close to the couple say that they have been unfazed by his loss.
“Sure it hurts when Other James bites me with his little needle teeth while I’m breastfeeding,” said Samantha, “But I can’t tell you how nice it is that he doesn’t have an anus to fill diapers for us to change.”
Since Other James arrived, the Grumners have become the envy of young couples all over the town.
“He never makes a mess, and I love the smell that comes out of those little gills of his,” said local mother Jennifer Wells, who has started leaving the window open in her daughter’s nursery at night. “And it’s so sweet how he always tries to lead his parents on walks in the deep dark woods.”
“It shows that he cares about their health.”
Although James was only six weeks old, Other James has already developed powerful hindlegs and the ability to open doors, factors which the Grumners say has made their job much easier.
“When he wants to watch us sleep, he can pick the lock and get in on his own,” said Dave. “Isn’t that every parent’s dream?”
The Grumners both agree it was a strange coincidence that a 3,000 year old mummified baby with the exact same birthmark as the original James was discovered in a nearby peat bog the day before yesterday.
At press time, the Grumners were delighted that Other James had spoken his first words, “Daddy, kill Mommy.”
