WASHINGTON, DC – Following their upset victory in the World Baseball Classic finals against the United States, the Venezuelan interim government is immediately collecting their winnings from a wager they placed with the White House; all of the oil the United States has taken from them since their military assault in January.
“We would never have wagered such a valuable commodity unless we thought it was a sure thing! How were we not in the clear after beating the Dominican Republic?” said Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent, taking a break from personally loading up one of the 8 million barrels of oil being returned to Venezuela as per the terms of the bet.
“I just hope the government that we installed there remembers that oil is for consolidating power, and not for sharing with Cuba.”
Shortly after the 3-2 loss for the Americans, self-proclaimed good sport President Donald Trump took to his Truth Social network to denounce the outcome of what he describes as a “stolen championship”.
“That game was totally rigged! Dominion Voting Systems must be training Umpires. We will be conducting a full and complete investigation just as soon as we finish a few of these Wars. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
Despite the bizarre concept of basing the future of a globally important industry on a game few people were watching, gambling historian Dylan Loomis of the University of Nevada says the outcome seems obvious when certain characteristics are taken into account.
“Right now, the US is overconfident, has been unchallenged for a long time, and is a huge bully for no reason. Basically, we’re the bad guys in every sports movie since the 80s. It’s no wonder we made a wager with stakes big enough to take us out of the picture and were beaten in the end by someone with lots more heart.”
Some suspect what is most upsetting to President Trump is that fact that he won’t get the 80-foot statue of himself built in Venezuala that would’ve been erected had he one. While no one is entirely sure what the exact wording of the deal was, most accounts agree that the Americans offered to release Nicholas Maduro as a prize but were quickly rebuked.
