OTTAWA – Despite best efforts and an emotional journey through time and space, three ghosts visiting Official Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre failed to inspire him to change his ways through the spirit of Christmas.
“Normally, I would take him to the past to show he’s gone wrong,” said the Ghost of Christmas Past. “So I took him to the House of Commons to remind him of his hurtful comments about how Indigenous people should learn the value of hard work. He said something about workhouses for the poor?”
“But then he just complained about how you can’t say anything these days,” the Ghost continued. “He just wanted to go back to the time he used bitcoin to buy shawarma because he thought that was cool.”
The Ghost of Christmas Present also expressed frustration with his attempts to open the Opposition Leader’s heart.
“I showed him how his own MPs are deserting him. I asked him if he feels this reflects at all on his leadership,” the Ghost of Christmas present said. “He said it’s Mark Carney’s fault and said they’re ‘counterfeit conservatives’ and then seemed quite pleased with himself at having invented a new alliterative phrase.”
The Ghost of Christmas Future also reported little luck.
“I took him to see his future to see how all his MPs crossed the floor, even the really weird ones, leaving him the sole Conservative member. He was also unmoved seeing his own neglected grave stone. But he did get excited when he found out he’ll have a podcast and the first guest will be JD Vance.”
“I warned him that if he does not fix his heart, he’ll never be prime minister,” the Ghost said, shaking his head sadly. “He just shrugged and said he was already loaded thanks to his pension from the only job he’s ever had.”
Awakening to freshly fallen snow, witnesses report seeing Poilievre throw open the windows, calling out to a passing Skip the Dishes driver.
“You there! What day is today?” he called out. “And if it’s Christmas, say that. Don’t give me any of that woke happy holidays crap.”
“Fine,” the delivery driver replied. “It’s Christmas.”
“Then there’s still time to create a new slogan: Carney’s Canadian Costly Christmas Carnage!”
The three ghosts’ visit was preceded by a visit from his former mentor, Stephen Harper. Unlike Jacob Marley, however, the former prime minister did not appear as a ghost. He just looks like that.
