Local Pub, Everywhere – Local man Fred Marston has realized how tough it is making friends in your thirties, especially when you’re kind of terrible.
“It ain’t easy as you get older to meet new people,” admitted Fred while smelling his fingers. “Life just gets busy, people have families, and when you constantly play the devil’s advocate for everyone’s problems instead of hearing them out, it can be tough to forge new bonds. But as we all know, I am owed friendship.”
Fred has tried all of the most normal ways of meeting people like asking women to take their headphones off at the gym to speak with him, crashing other people’s weddings to make friends, and asking to sit at strangers’ tables at restaurants. He has also tried opening conversations with “where’s my hug at” insisting he uses it on men as much as he uses it on women.
Fred recently added a $10,000 feature to his car which makes it louder and does not improve the vehicle at all, hoping to attract new friends but has found this has not made it easier to meet new people.
“I think lots of people like cars,” reasoned Fred. “I have a bunch of cars on my phone, and I show people the cars that I buy with all my money. I insist people are nice to me. But for some reason people seem to get distracted or walk away from me when I tell them how much money I make and ask how much they make. Must be a part of the great male lonely epidemic. Also, I think tipping should be illegal.”
Recent studies have shown that male loneliness has reached epidemic levels of trouble exclusively for men who are terrible.
“All I want is a friend,” stated Fred, while staring at a woman’s breasts from across the bar. “I just really want to meet someone and have an emotionally mature relationship. I don’t think I am doing anything wrong, it’s just what being a man is in 2025.” Fred then turned his chair and starting talking exclusively with ChatGPT on his phone.
