GEORGE, NB – Despite no self-defense training and being incredibly out of shape, cell phone kiosk employee Wade Creamer, 27, has often described to friends his plans for countering a potential home invasion.
“I’d hear an intruder entering, even as I slept. I’ve trained myself to awaken instantly at any unusual sound,” he told friends over beers at Dooly’s. According to friends, his “training” consists of listening to podcasts by men who claim they’ve created something called “sleep hacking,” in which they tape their mouths shut at night to avoid snoring but also somehow maintain a level of alertness.
“He does no such thing. He has a CPAP,” said Travis Macdonald, his friend of 10 years. “Once he’s out for the night, it’s like trying to wake the dead.”
Creamer then described a series of martial arts inspired moves that included catching the intruder by surprise with a leg sweep to cut his legs out from under him. Then as the robber fell, grabbing him in a sleeper hold until he passed out. Had the intruder been armed with a handgun, he would move quickly to disarm him by grabbing the gun out of his hands and turning it back on him in a split second, like Denzel Washington did in that movie. He did not address the fact that any such moves would be difficult as he cannot get out of a chair without making a loud, grunting noise.
“He mentioned the gun thing?” Macdonald asked reporters. “I bought him an electric jar lid opener because his osteoarthritis in his hands makes it hard for him to open pickle jars.”
Creamer also describes contingency plans for other emergencies like plane hijackings, a Russian invasion of Canada’s Arctic, and surviving in a post-apocalyptic The Last of Us style hellscape by protecting his town against fungus-infected zombies.
“No, they’re not zombies,” he said. “They’re the Infected.”
“We face the possibility of catastrophe every day. You can’t always count on the police or the government to help you. That’s why I’m prepared for anything.” Creamer said.
His friends did believe that Creamer would be an ideal candidate for ICE in the US.
At press time, Statistics Canada lists St. George, population 1,579 as one of the safest towns in Canada. St. George is chiefly known for having the best drinking water in Canada.
