BURLINGTON, ON – Ignoring their shared dread, local couple Sarah and Aiden Hillson, 31, announced plans Thursday to bring a new human life into the world, despite a nagging foreboding that human civilization is teetering upon multiple precipices that could plunge us into irreversible, catastrophic collapse.
“I know it’s early days. And we’re not even pregnant yet,” said Sarah, who years ago stopped reading the news because it was “too depressing.” “But since you’re the people closest to us, we’ll be looking to you for support when it comes time for The Fall – I mean, baby.”
“Congratulations!” said Hillson’s best friend of 14 years, Amanda Puzzo, 30, after hearing the news and pushing down yet another pang of guilt for her two sons who might grow up without any job prospects or skills thanks to cognitive offloading to AI. “I’m so happy for you both!” she added, wondering if being white will protect her family from rising fascism.
The Hillsons, who have been together for 7 years, did express some reservations about the state of the world, acknowledging that, “I know things are a bit crazy right now,” before quickly adding, “But both of us have always wanted kids,” in a vain attempt to justify their choice to bring a conscious being into a world without its permission knowing that it is guaranteed to suffer.
“This has been a long time coming,” said Aiden, he said breathing in ambient wildfire smoke from a distant blaze made significantly more likely due to climate change, while his government works tirelessly to expand fossil fuel infrastructure. “But we wanted to get our career and housing situation sorted first.”
“Good thing our basement apartment is pretty sturdy in case of nuclear war, right?” he joked, receiving nervous laughter because it was, in fact, not at all a joke.
At press time, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists moved the Doomsday Clock one second closer to midnight.
