SEATTLE, WA – With Amazon now holding the rights to the 007 film franchise, the company’s CEO, Jeff Bezos, announced the first movie will pit Bond against his greatest enemy yet: ungrateful workers in fulfillment centers who want to unionize.
At a board meeting held in a subterranean, Bezos laid out his vision for the streaming film. “Amazon is a modern company, and it’s time to bring Bond’s adventures into the modern age,” explained Bezos, stroking his piggy bank. “Now, he will face off against a clear and present danger to us all: workers who think they should be treated with dignity and respect.”
The assembled coterie of colourful assassins, jumpsuit-wearing henchmen, and Senior VPs listened as Bezos added, “The Bond franchise is known for globetrotting adventures, and this time Bond will battle unionizing evil in the exotic locale of… Lachine, Quebec!”
Bezos then debuted the poster for the upcoming Amazon Prime 007 sequel, A Union to Kill, whose marketing tagline reads “He’s got a licence to kill … worker solidarity.”
“Even better, we won’t have to pay anything to film in the warehouse because we own it AND it’s currently shut down!” Bezos then paused to laugh maniacally, before demanding that his employees join in.
Amazon board members were then tasked with brainstorming ways the famed secret agent could take down workers seeking a better quality of life. CFO Brian T. Olsavsky suggested 007 could use AmazonBasics high-tech gadgets to force striking workers to cross picket lines and get back to work.
At one point, a mercenary sporting an eyepatch and razor-sharp necktie asked if Bond would continue his longstanding tradition of battling corrupt megalomaniacal industrialists.
“That’s an excellent question, Half-Windsor. A Union to Kill will indeed feature James Bond facing off against a handsome, charismatic space-faring billionaire,” noted Bezos. “But then Bond will realize the billionaire is actually a pretty cool dude, and the two of them will team up to shut down a union in Laval, Quebec. Billionaire casting TBD.”
At that point Amazon’s VP of Marketing asked if he could use the bathroom, leading Bezos to press a red button which opened a trap door in the floor and dropped the VP into a bottomless chasm of Amazon returns.
After which, Bezos addressed the room and insisted the movie would still have cool cars, lots of guns, and “obviously we’re going to objectify the females.”
Bezos then vowed to thoroughly dilute the Bond franchise with a series of unnecessary spin-offs, starting with a mini-series following 007 as he takes down villains including the Amazon CEO’s ex-wife MacKenzie Scott, the FTC, and everyone who bullied Bezos in high school.
