MUNCHKINLAND – Wonder no more, Wicked fans: Boq, the weirdest little guy at Dear Old Shiz University has released a statement detailing exactly how he likes to spit on that Ozian thang, and it is EXPLICIT!
“First of all, if we’re going to do ‘Something Bad,’ you should know I like giving AND receiving,” Boq said with a wink. “I can do both – sometimes at the same time – and No Good Deed should go unreciprocated!”
Boq then detailed an elaborate 11-step choreography he employs during the act, involving carefully counted swirls, flicks, and sucks, described as “Popular” by the Sentimental Man himself. He then produced a flowchart to visually demonstrate the correct order of intensity.
“When you first start, everyone involved should be like, ‘What is this Feeling?’ or maybe just a simple ‘Wonderful!’”, Boq explained. “From there, I like to take as long as it takes. It could be just a second, or it could be One Short Day. As Long as You’re Mine, you’re reaching the Finale.”
Good oral, Boq went on to explain, has two components: one, it should feel like ‘your heart is being sucked out of your body through the downstairs,’ and secondly, it should adhere to his strict guidelines, beat for beat.
“You need to follow my instructions PRECISELY,” Boq concluded. “Don’t try anything creative out there. I’m Not That Girl. Let me Reprise that for the people in the back: I’M NOT THAT GIRL. I like my routines. And if you fail to follow instructions… let’s just say: No One Mourns the Wicked.”
At press time, Boq’s new celebrity partner Nessarose declinced comment, though the ex-partner and the infant child he publicly abandoned are rumored to be penning several shockingly-calm opinion pieces in The Emerald City Times.
