PARIS – In a curious display of activist incompetence, a protestor intent on gluing himself to a famous painting has instead found himself accidentally glued to another, unrelated protestor present for the same reason.
The mistaken mucilage occurred as Lars Olsen, a member of the Society Against Oceanic Pollutants, reached to grasp the frame of a nearby painting at the Musee D’Orsay. Simultaneously, Gitte Friedriksen, with Earth Healers International and standing nearby, reached for the same painting. Unfortunately, both protestors had covered their hands with chemical agents which, when combined, created a cement-like bond, fusing their hands together. Efforts to unstick their appendages only resulted in further shoulder-elbow, heel-chest, and forehead-neck adhesion between the two.
“What are you doing?! This is my protest! Mine! Stop littering our oceans!”, Olsen was heard to shout while his eyelid became stuck to Gitte’s shoelace.
“No, No! Forget about the oceans. Global Warming must end first!” Gitte mumbled through two increasingly sealed lips.
“You are both trespassing in the museum and must leave!” barked Marcel St. Joseph, a security guard who also became conjoined with the pair during attempts to remove them.
Unfortunately, the two protestors targeted a relatively unknown piece of art in a relatively unvisited part of the museum. After two hours of increasing stickiness, they were finally discovered by a docent who, during efforts to extract them from a nearby bench, kicked over Olsen’s jar of glue and became enwrapped within the group.
“This is not funny. Why do people think this situation funny?!,” said a spokesperson for EHI, himself accidentally glued to a chandelier at the nearby Louvre, “The D’Orsay will be hearing from our lawyers as soon as they themselves become unstuck from the steps of the local courthouse.”
Though admittedly a setback, protestors worldwide still believe that causing property damage to things the public really like is a wonderful way to gain supporters and engender sympathy from those in power. Though they are still awaiting increased donations to their cause or legislative changes, they’re pretty sure it’ll be coming any day now.
“Awwww, they’re in love,” said Alice Conroy, a Canadian tourist who completely misinterpreted what she was seeing, “I think that’s just great!”
Despite the seemingly failed protest, the museum has pivoted and advertised the now 13-person assemblage as a new performance art piece with tickets selling for 15 euros a person. Proceeds will go towards funding several nearby chemical factories to work 24/7 to process various fossil fuels into de-bonding agents for the group.
