Your City, Your Country – The local police have requested a bigger budget next year in order to help cover up the mistakes they are making.
“The current budget simply doesn’t make it possible to hide all our mistakes,” explained chief Dan Lodgers. “One of my guys got caught taking cocaine from his locker, and the lawyers paid for by your tax dollars barely managed to get him off with a 3-day paid suspension. We’re asking for enough money to get at least three lawyers who can get cases like this thrown out completely.”
Police officials have submitted a list of top-priority initiatives that the additional finds would go to such as cars that look the Batmobile, luxury SUVs for high rank officers who do not require them, automatic weapons for transit fare evasion officers, and mojito makers.
The union cites the dropping crime rate nation-wide as a perfect opportunity to increase police spending, as the necessity of them having to do even a little bit of their jobs, along with an increased budget, could allow them to focus harder on getting away with incompetence, disorganization, institutional racism, and their own organized crime groups.
“I’ve got a family to feed,” explained officer Louis Ceekay. “I also got a sex worker to pay hush money to, a cottage to renovate outside the city, because I hate the city so much, and skinny Tommy needs his cut too. Who is going to pay skinny Tommy if they don’t increase the budget?”
While critics say an increase in the police budget would not affect crime rates, the police union is sidestepping those claims as they have argued fervently they are not interested in stopping crime, so that won’t be an issue.
While a budget was approved for body cameras on officers to observe their work, the local police is requesting an additional 3.2 billion dollars to add a blue check twitter user to existing footage to explain that what you’re seeing is “not the whole story” and ask anyone watching the footage, “so what would you do in this situation then pepeface.”
