TORONTO – The legal doctrine known as corporate personhood states that corporations can be sued just like individual people. So if I can sue a corporation, why the hell can’t I sue my ex-boyfriend’s improv team?
In the 1980s, Monsanto was sued alongside six other companies because of Agent Orange. They settled for $180 million.
Meanwhile, I had to watch my then-boyfriend and six other guys perform an improv show called President Orange. I think I’m entitled to some compensation, too.
Sure, I could sue all the members individually. But on their own, they’re just seven guys named Chris, Garrett, Chris, Chris, Bryan, Brian, and Big Chris. The problem is when they get together. They call themselves the “Colin Mockeries” and they think that name is really good.
I don’t want to sue my ex-boyfriend. But when he was with his improv team, he became a different person – usually one with a bad British accent. And I want to sue that guy.
He dumped me because I wasn’t “yes and-ing” in our relationship, and he thought I might hold him back in house team auditions. He called me the Yoko Ono of the Colin Mockeries. Then Big Chris performed a sweep on our relationship.
What are house teams? What is a sweep? Why is Big Chris called “Big Chris” when he’s only 5’10”? Now you understand why I must take legal action.
What would be the charges? Simple. Compensation for damages (i.e. I had to go to an improv show), breach of contract (they promised “endless laughs” and proceeded to tell twelve variations of the same penis joke), discrimination (my ex-boyfriend never took my suggestions), and emotional distress (again, I had to go to an improv show).
To those who think it’s “inappropriate” to compare an improv team to a soulless corporation, consider this. If Monsanto was ordered to pay $2 billion in damages for failing to inform consumers about carcinogens in their products, shouldn’t the Colin Mockeries pay up for failing to inform me that President Orange was two hours long and drinks cost $13.50?
If you still don’t understand why I want to take legal action, all I can say is you weren’t there. I know you weren’t, because I’m the only person who was. Literally the only person at that show.
And he still didn’t take any of my suggestions.
