TORONTO- To combat the rapidly shrinking amount of jobs that have pensions, alongside wage stagnation and high housing costs that make retirement saving impossible for the majority of young workers, the federal government has introduced a new retirement plan that will simply vaporize millennials from existence when they turn 65.
“The current CPP average is $679.16, even indexed for inflation that’s not enough to live on. So we developed a compassionate, fiscally responsible plan to ensure that people wouldn’t be destitute in their twilight years.” said Minister of Finance Chrystia Freeland “It doesn’t apply to me though. I’m Gen X. The value of my property has skyrocketed and the labour market was way better when I started working.”
Despite the government’s confidence the program is not without controversy, many are criticizing the lack of a clear tender process after the WE charity was awarded the billion dollar vaporizing contract. There is a pilot project to provide alternatives to being vaporized such as being set afloat on a piece of ice, rides on a poorly maintained roller coaster, and fake teeth full of arsenic that cold war era spies used to have. The conservative plan is to simply offer a tax credit for a gun and one bullet.
“I’d be lying if I said I was a fan of being vaporized,” stated 28 year old Jennica Darby. “But at least it’s better than putting twenty dollars I have left over at the end of the month into an RRSP and pretending it will do fuck all to pay for my retirement. Maybe it will pay for me to get vaporized in Florida.”
When asked why the Canadian Pension Plan payments can’t be increased, Freeland explained that most of the money had already been earmarked for turning boomers into unkillable, Jimmy Buffet loving cyborgs.
At press time RBC has introduced an alternative private retirement plan, where they invest in pipelines and fossil fuels to ensure that millennials will die from flood, fire, or starvation before reaching retirement age.
