MARKHAM, ON – In the act of crouching over her laptop for hours on end, Salma Kuchis managed to finally curl her spine perfectly into the approximation of the Golden Ratio.
“Here I was thinking that today was gonna turn out just like any other day!” enthused the 29 year-old woman. “And while I must confess that I am suffering from unimaginable pain… the art that has sprung from my body must be preserved and protected.”
Reports indicate that Kuchis has drastically upped her screen time to 16 hours a day in order to achieve the aesthetically-pleasing geometric representation of the Golden Ratio. Her roommates commend her tireless dedication as they have observed her transitioning seamlessly between using her laptop for work to using her laptop for pleasure.
“I was on a mission to defy the beauty standards imposed on women,” Kuchis said defiantly, sinking down further into her office chair. “I no longer obsess over trivialities such as my weight, instead I have gained the confidence to fixate exclusively on the hunch of my upper-back. I no longer define myself by my astrological sign – Aquarius by the way – instead I am wholly characterized by an irrational number!”
Many art scholars and critics have been quick to dispute Kuchis assertion that her skeletal frame is in line with the logarithmic spiral.
“I don’t believe she understands the basic mathematical principles behind what she is claiming,” said Alfred Brohmly, art historian at the University of Toronto. “I think she’s a woman who’s trying to spin her abysmal posture into art worthy of praise. If her spine follows the Golden Ratio, then my left ball follows the Fibonacci sequence.”
However committed Kuchis has said she is to the preservation of her coiled vertebrae, sources have spotted the young woman using her laptop to search “20 minute yoga for upper-back pain.”
