RICHMOND HILL, ON – Upon acquiring a $500 Le Creuset brand dutch oven, sources are reporting that Jessica Sanghvi has been acting like a notoriously domesticated slut by spending the majority of her time cooking warm, hearty meals from scratch.
“I always knew that my best friend Jess was a slut and I was okay with that. I am okay with that. I would never shame another person for their sexual proclivities,” said an insider close to Sanghvi who wished to stay anonymous. “But I just wish she would practice some modesty when it came to flaunting her new kitchenware all over social media.”
Sanghvi’s roommates have told reporters that she’s been braising various meats at all hours of the night. They worry that the fast and loose world of deglazing fond off an enamelled pot may prove to be too much excitement for their friend.
“Every day she’s been taking to Instagram to espouse cooking tips like she’s Julia fucking Child!” weeped Sanghvi’s cousin. “Jessica used to be so independent, but now she’s so entirely devoted to that Le Creuset dutch oven that I don’t think she’ll ever be able to make a loaf of bread without it.”
“What’s worse… she opted to buy it in the colour ‘Cherry Red.’ I don’t even know who she is anymore.”
Inquiring minds have been quick to pose the question: “Does she think she’s better than me?” However when Sanghvi was approached for comment, the young woman shrugged contently and resumed prepping her mirepoix.
At press time, it appeared that the ‘housekeeping harlot’ was a lost cause when sources spotted a $50 Aesop hand soap by her kitchen sink.
