TORONTO – On the eve of being named Superfood of the Year, Kale revealed in an exclusive interview that the real superfoods are the ones who get out there every day and do their jobs.
“I’m no hero. You know who’s a hero? Hotdog,” explained Kale. “Staying outside in the cold, the heat, anytime an overworked banker or a student plastered out of their mind needs food. He’s there.” Hotdog could not be reached for comment as he was running a double shift at his stall.
Kale was recently praised by various outlets for saving countless people through his antioxidants and ability to reduce heart disease. “Yes you got saved, but with my taste, you might as well be dead. Let’s be honest I taste like paper!” Kale also alleged that most of the work was done by the other vegetables in the salad.
“We’re tired of being looked at like we don’t provide value,” explained Lion of animal crackers. “Giraffe. Lion. Zebra. If it’s on the Savanah we got it. It feels nice that someone as big as Kale is reaching out and giving back. Sure, Kale lowers cholesterol, but if you’re a parent coming home and need your child to eat enough food to not die… well, let us introduce ourselves.” At this point, we had to acknowledge the elephant cracker in the room. “Yes…too much of us can cause diabetes,” confessed Elephant “but have you tried us?”
Kale further revealed that he had donated most of the proceeds of his awards to the No Frill’s milk aisle. “He’s been through enough. Coconut, Almond, Lactose-free… enough people trying to hurt him. He needs it more than me. Let me tell you, 1%, 2%, he’s giving you 100% every goddamn day.”
At press time, Kale physically assaulted a producer when told that tomato is not technically a vegetable. “He’s more vegetable than you’ll ever be!”
