TORONTO – The national weather advisory released a statement today warning Canadians to expect up to 8 pointless office conversations on how much snow had fallen.
“I don’t know what the fuck to tell people. You’re screwed,” says James Birmingham a veteran forecaster at the National Weather Advisory who himself had just escaped from a similar conversation. James warned, from the safety of a washroom stall, that people should be careful leaving their cubicles as aggressive talkers could use the low-pressure system of a cafeteria to start a conversation. “Do you care that Linda had to drive from Barrie to get to work? No? Doesn’t matter.”
Kevin Neelan, a receptionist at the Advisory was hit hardest during his front desk shift. He stared at the entrance, still shell shocked. “They just… kept coming. At first, it was just them telling me how long it took them to clean the snow off their car. Then their holiday plans… now I know Linda has always wanted to go to Tahiti. What am I supposed to do with that information?” Kevin later broke into tears and sprinted into the storm when he heard his phone ring.
Not all employees were so morose. “It’s really coming down out there. Gorgeous though. Winter’s finally here am I right?” babbled Linda Gravelson. “It’s great for small talk. I see so many people just staring outside their window just waiting for someone to tell them how there’s only 2 weeks till Christmas. That’s why I’m here. Well… only for now, I’m planning on going to Tahiti you know.”
As of press time, Birmingham mouthed the words “Oh god help” as Linda explained this snowfall was nothing compared to ones out in Quebec. Kevin had not been seen in several hours.
