KINGSTON – Following years of lobbying by Canadian health groups, the World Health Organization has finally recognized that saying “I’m quirky” is a condition that requires medical treatment.
Despite years of speculation on whether everyone’s close acquaintance Jessica is simply a wacky gal, scientists have isolated the retrovirus that has trapped her under a mountain of thrift shop scarfs, turquoise berets, and jade earrings.
The breakthrough occurred when the W.H.O. research team observed that their colleague Rob had started shouting “I’m so random!” whenever the childless researcher drank ‘ironically’ from his World’s Greatest Dad mug. At first, they dismissed the odd behaviour but soon over half of the lab could be heard saying how they “just hate drama” and that their last meeting was “Totes Awks!”
As Lead Researcher Professor Andris-Dillins watched an intern write “So Extra!” on the wall with “hundoP toats organic paint”, she placed the lab under a full quarantine. Following a round of blood tests, it became clear that the virus was spreading via online Etsy purchases and motivational HomeSense Frames.
“On a complete hunch I removed the motivational art from everyone’s office, deleted their Instagram accounts, and made them do some manual labour,” said Andris-Dillins. “Within hours my team stopped behaving like fashionable sociopaths and were back to discussing vacations, the merits of the new coffee machine, as well as the best way to freeze bread.”
At press time, the W.H.O. released a recommendation that everyone should delete their social media accounts, causing Instagram to release a statement on how W.H.O. recommendations are making people look bloated and super gross.
