OTTAWA—Climate change skeptic Herb Gilpin has found increasing support for his theory that climate change, far from being caused by man-made pollutants, is in fact an indication that it is heating up due to a rigged explosive device somewhere in or on the earth.
“There are a lot of things we don’t know about the world” Gilpin told reporters. ‘With climate change, is it possible that unchecked corporate greed, irresponsible policy decisions and a lack of collective will have caused the unpredictable temperatures and weather events we are currently seeing? Or is it just as likely that something—or someone—set an elaborate trap right on this earth to teach somebody a lesson?”
While some are unconvinced by his theory, Gilpin has pointed out that there are lots of reasons people might try to blow up the earth. For example, the earth could have said something mean about somebody’s mom.
“Maybe the person who owns the earth borrowed money from him and didn’t pay him back.”
“Or her, we don’t know,” he added.
Although some questions about the mechanics of the booby trap remain fuzzy, Gilpin is certain it is not related to emissions or environmental policy.
“We don’t know what could have set the booby trap off. they can be set off by anything–maybe it was rigged to a light switch, or somebody jumped really hard—hell, some of these things can get set off if you sneeze.”
“We’re finding lots of CO2 emissions in the air—could that be caused by incremental climate change? Sure, but it could also be caused by somebody who cranked on the gas and set the microwave anywhere from four to five billion years ago, you know?”
At press time, Gilpin was floating the possibility that the Amazon wildfires are the result of an insurance scam.
