JASPER, AB — On her usual morning commute, Ainsley Stephens, 26, has been informed that the strange man who sneezed into her ear without covering his mouth “has allergies, not a cold,” therefore her response to the event must adjust accordingly.
“I’m not sick”, exclaimed the sneezer, Tim Sherway, 32. “What’s the big deal? If I had a cold it would be one thing. I mean I do have a bit of a sore throat, but once again, that probably comes from allergies. I’m like seventy-three percent sure it’s just allergies.”
The sneeze, which occurred at 7:53 am, made its way out of Sherway’s mouth with minimal splash back, and landed in spits and splatters along Stephens ear, shoulder, and just all over her hair. Stephens is currently not seeking damages from the event.
Self-proclaimed allergy expert Tracey McEwan, who was sitting three people over from the event, believes there was nothing to worry about. “Scientifically speaking the stuff that comes out of your nose when you sneeze from allergies is not as icky as flu germs. It’s science,” McEwan opined confidently. “So everyone just calm down when someone sneezes at you from April until July. However, anything before or after that timeline, you fucked.”
“I just want to put the whole thing behind me”, said a visibly shaken Stephens. “Look, I get it, it’s probably allergies, but why couldn’t he cover his mouth? I mean at one point he showed me a used napkin in his pocket to affirm that the snot was ‘clear, not green’, therefore he isn’t sick, but this truly did not help me at all.”
While Stephens lives with many unanswerable questions from the “sneeze”, it has been reported that she is doing much better after taking a thirty-five minute scalding hot shower.
At press time, Sherway currently is experiencing a fever of 103 degrees celsius, but is pretty sure it’s just allergies.
