Cambridge, MA – After an exhaustive consultation with mathematicians and quantum computer programmers, singer Cher and songwriter Diane Warren have rewritten the 1989 hit ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ to fall in line with current research regarding the possibility of reversing entropy in simple systems.
“When the song was released, the idea of turning back the arrow of time was appealing but obviously impossible,” Cher said. “However, recent advances in quantum computing have resulted in the simulated reversal of time. Turning back time is no longer simply a matter of ‘if,’ but ‘when’ and ‘how.’ We felt, and the experts at MIT agreed, it was irresponsible not to update the song to indicate that.”
Warren and Cher spent a week conferring with the world’s foremost temporal theorists to arrive at lyrics that take into consideration the prospect of computers so powerful they can map and reverse entropy in even the most complex systems, all while maintaining the original version’s peppy vision of regretful lost love.
“It’s frankly embarrassing to revisit the old lyrics with a modern eye. ‘If I could reach the stars, I’d give ‘em all to you?’ Any biological organism would be dead from solar radiation long before being able to gather enough matter to craft the kind of gift that could repair a shattered relationship,” Warren explained. “Ah, the eighties. We were so naive back then.”
“We’ve also changed the lyrics to make it explicitly clear that turning back time isn’t enough to create an alternate timeline, one must also change the sequence of events,” Cher said. “‘Taking back those words that hurt you’ will have no effect if events unfold as they did in the first iteration once time returns to its forward flow. It’s not just about reversing time, but methodically altering the variables that led to the initial undesirable outcome.”
“We’ve also added more of the tinkly keyboard from the chorus throughout the rest of the song, everyone loves the tinkly keyboard.”
In related news, Bon Jovi announced they’ve finally got the whole way there, whoa, livin’ on a prayer.
