KAMLOOPS, BC – Local domestic cat Mittens, known to many in his neighbourhood for spending his days prowling through backyards in apparent curiosity, is in fact curious only about which person’s garden would be the best spot to take a shit.
“There goes the neighbourhood watch! He just loves to come by for visits,” said local resident Gwenneth Wheeler regarding Mittens, who was suffering from worse than normal digestive issues that day and moments earlier had blasted Wheeler’s rose garden with feces.
The sociable outdoor cat is well known and much loved by area residents who, in addition to being unaware of his bowel habits, are also largely ignorant to how many potted plants he has shoved off of porch railings or the sheer number of songbirds he routinely kills on any given day.
“He really is our community mascot,” said Wheeler, whose willingness to overlook obvious flaws in those around her has lead to four failed marriages. “He’s a perfect little treasure” she added while trying to summon the cat, unsuccessfully.
The residential area that Mittens patrols on a daily basis has provided him with numerous places to shit, including a children’s sandbox, a patch of a gravel driveway, and a cushioned porch swing.
Mittens’ owner, Carl Friberg, is just as in love with his cat as the rest of the neighbourhood. “I never imagined having a cat would be so low maintenance! It’s as if he never even uses his litter box, and even though I try to feed him he barely seems to need it whenever he bothers to come home. What a gem!”
As of press time, Mittens was attempting to visit as many neighbourhood residents as possible in order to give them all ringworm.
