OTTAWA – The Canadian Dermatology Association has released its guidelines for winter skin care, suggesting Canadians stay hydrated, moisturize daily, and if that doesn’t work, just peel your skin off already.
Dermatologists across the country have been booked solid for weeks by panicked Canadians experiencing bleeding crevasses and lizard-like epidermal texture in areas of their skin they didn’t even realize could get dry. With wait times getting longer, and no sign of spring, more and more doctors are recommending patients try a new technique known as “extreme exfoliation”.
According to the Dermatology Association’s director of communications Dr. Lydia Kim, studies show that 80% of Canadians experience dry skin symptoms over the winter, and the other twenty percent are definitely lying about it.
“Honestly, it’s winter – you can either waste thousands of dollars on top-of-the-line all-in-one fortifying revitalization creams that will only end up clogging your pores resulting in alternating pustules and dry patches, or you can take a potato peeler to your face and wait for spring.”
Dr. Kim recommends that people who aren’t comfortable with self-induced-total-epidermal-debridement try alternate methods such as using a tiny chisel, “home poaching”, or getting a strong friend to make an incision at your wrist and just start pulling: “it’s a very personal process, there’s no one right way to flay yourself”.
The important thing, Doctor Kim stresses, is to be realistic. “There’s no point in putting off the inevitable. In medical terms, you’re what’s called ‘a disgusting, scaly mess’ and you need to deal with it.”
The Dermatology Association will release its summer guidelines later this year, reminding Canadians that they won’t get sunburns if they don’t have skin.
