GUELPH, ON – With the arrival of cold weather, a new study has determined that 9 out of 10 women would gladly remove one of their fingers to install a permanent, everlasting tube of ChapStick.
“Most women have experienced losing one of those tiny cylinders, usually when their lips are at their most chapped,” says researcher Colleen Gilbert. “Once people are accustomed to using the product, they cannot, and will not, go without it, to the point where an overwhelming majority would favour the elective amputation of a finger to always have it, well, on hand.”
Although the report says 90 percent of respondents were in favour losing one of their digits in order to have an inexhaustible supply of lip balm, many were conflicted on which finger to sever, with the most popular choices being the pinky and the middle.
The idea of losing a finger to gain a necessity they are always losing is not unique to this country, with several studies showing similar preferences including 80% of French people would amputate their thumb for an everlasting stick of butter, while 75% of 11 year-old boys would replace all of their fingers for figet-spinners.
“Some of us live everyday just seconds away from having lips so dry we can’t even smile without drawing blood,” said Marie-Josée Vernon, 34, of Montreal, who has volunteered to be the first test subject for this elective surgical procedure after losing what she estimates was her 1000th stick of ChapStick. “My hope is that one day science can finally make this dream a reality for the millions of us out there suffereing each day.”
In a related study, researchers have confirmed that no one has ever actually finished a ChapStick before losing it.
