MONTREAL, QC- After waking up in the afternoon for the eighth day in a row and taking out a hand rolled cigarette from the back pocket of his $380 jeans while looking out over his downtown loft balcony, Davis Sanders, a 27-year old sculptor, has made the shocking discovery that he does, in fact, live a very nice life.
“Even though I am faced with the reality that my life is technically ‘good’, I still think everything and everyone doesn’t understand how hard I have it,” explained Sanders, whose first clue that he had a really nice life came to him after his maid complained that his penthouse was too big to clean by herself.
“Like this morning, they stopped selling blueberry scones at my local coffee shop, but the inspiration to have one hit me at 5:45AM. Why didn’t the coffee shop understand that?” he added, later clarifying that the inspiration he was talking about was cocaine.
Like most self-proclaimed artists, Sanders learned early on that being tortured can lead to great opportunities. As a sculptor, the most unrealistic of all art disciplines, Sanders continues to express that he “never got any handouts in my life” even though his mother curates The New York Museum of Modern Art and his father is a tech millionaire.
“I don’t go out of my way to be tortured”, said Sanders in between bites of beluga caviar, “I guess I’ve been called that because I’ve never really felt what love is. I’m constantly being told by everyone that I have a really wonderful life. Like, literally everyone, my cleaning lady, my butler, my long term girlfriend who truly loves me, and it’s like um fuck off, I’m trying to make this piece of clay look like a large penis.”
According to experts, Sanders is not the only artist with this affliction.
“Many young men who have any sort of artistic leanings think their life is harder than others,” says Sociologist Dr. Diane Rivers.
“Most of what comes out of their mouths is one long complaint. The complaining turns into what people perceive as a personality characteristic. Talk to any young male artist and see how many times he says, ‘Hemingway, I drink my coffee black, and pain is the body’s truest expression,’ and you’ll start to get a sense that they have no original ideas.”
While Sanders has made the realization that his life is pretty great, he has no intentions of ending his tortured outlook on life.
“What can I say? I wish you never met me. We are born in darkness, we live in darkness and we die in darkness. Now if you don’t mind, I have to pick up my Hummer from the shop. I just changed the colour from gloss to matte.”
At press time, Sanders has since changed his Hummer back to gloss, citing the matte was, “too trendy.”
