OTTAWA – Running well over his time limit of 5 minutes, local father Bill Fernie’s speech has now entered its 96th hour at his son’s wedding reception.
Fernie, 61, has not stopped his sentimentally long-winded and confusing address, which started last week just before dessert was served.
“I would like to say a few words about my son on this important day,” announced the retired accountant, which would soon turn out to be a complete lie. “And I will try my best to keep this short.”
After dedicating the first half-hour to how much things have changed, the rambling lecture veered off course into the banal world of travel advice, 1990s trivia, and their family trip to Tobermory.
Guests struggled to keep their eyes open as the proud father provided a detailed account of Fernie’s son’s first goal in hockey, his opinions on the situation in the Middle East, and several cynical jokes about married life.
Visual cues and other signals made by family members for him to wrap up his speech have all but failed.
“When does this end, Harold?” whispered Lance Barkov, the Best Man, to the groom at the head table as the sun started to rise on the horizon at 6:33 AM. “Seriously, I don’t want to be rude, but I’m going to be late for work.”
According to sources, the father of the groom has yet to mention the bride or any details about the six year relationship between his son and the woman who is now considered his daughter.
