We’ve all been there: you wake up one day and see that one of your Facebook friends posted an article from Thought Catalog about 13 things narcissists and sociopaths do to make you sneeze uncontrollably or whatever. You know what to do.
- Announce as loudly as possible to all nearby that you are unfriending this person, and that they should heed your warning lest the same fate befall them.
- Go to the person’s timeline.
- Click the Friends button and scroll down to Unfriend.
- Click the Remove From Friends button.
- Steel yourself by staring intensely at your “Don’t make the difference, be the difference” tattoo.
- Return to your newsfeed.
- Scroll down.
- Your best friend Cindy posted “The 5 Types of People You Need to Cut Out of Your Life”
- Unfriend her by repeating steps 1-5.
- Post an adorable picture of Mittens.
- Continue scrolling down.
- What’s this? Dad just posted “Feeling sad. Doctor just said prostate cancer has progressed.”
- Unfriend him. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
- Return to your newsfeed.
- Share something by Richard Branson
- Hey, what about Instagram?
- Open Instagram.
- Oh God. Oh God…they’re…they’re everywhere.
- Cancel therapist appointment.
- Inform Instagram that they are unknowingly playing host to a multitude of toxic people. This is best done in person at their headquarters located at 200 Jefferson Dr, Menlo Park, CA 94025, USA. Use a megaphone to ensure that you are clearly audible.
- Let the security guards escort you off the premises.
- Return home.
- Post “no time for negative people. Surrounding myself with positivity #keepit100” because having to break connections with other human beings is something to brag about.
