WATERLOO – A new dating app released yesterday plans to operate on the assumption that users have any tangible idea what they want, both from the app and from their romantic endeavours as a whole.
The app, “I Mean… I Think So?”, has been marketed as a competitor to Tinder and Bumble. Before users are allowed to begin swiping on potential matches, they are exhaustingly made to answer 2967 personal questions that the app claims will help their algorithm find their definitive soulmate.
Founder and CEO Ashley Zucker noticed a demand for her app based on her own online dating experience. “It’s so confusing to sus out what people want!” Zucker exclaimed, “Are they here to hook-up? To date? To find friends, like psychopaths? I saw a problem that could only be solved by a debilitatingly introspective questionnaire.”
Questions range from “Do you want kids one day?” to “Is it a form of cheating to like attractive acquaintances’ online photos?” to “Do you expect your partner’s emotional labour to compensate for your inability to grow?”
Despite the fact that most tested users default to the option, “I Mean… I Think So?” as opposed to “Yes” or “No” after the 60th question, the app still uses the information to present you with a pool of at least two candidates.
“I downloaded the app hoping to refresh the pool of women who were swiping ‘no’ to me on existing dating apps,” said 28 year old PhD candidate Joseph Clarke, “However after entering the 1896th question, ‘What would ultimately bring you serenity?’ I began to have doubts. Suddenly I don’t know if I want to hook-up or surrender all my material possessions.”
Another user, Leah Wronko, left the app bewildered, “Why would the app trust someone who’s switched their major four times and dated a string of sociopathic narcissists to answer questions about what they want??”
Zucker has plans to release another dating app soon called, “… And They Have a Job!” that asks no questions, and instead pairs you with someone your parents picked.
