OTTAWA – A man accused of eighteen counts of criminal absurdity and surrealistic acts, entered a plea in federal court yesterday claiming that he is “rhinoceros” of all charges.
Alejandro Rakowski – known to many as “Monsieur Hourglass” – who is described as “quiet, yet uncomfortably difficult to ignore,” is alleged to have been part of many displays that appeared to defy the constructs of both matter and logic.
Police found him on the evening of September 15th, 2016 attempting to melt into a valley of sand and transform into an actual hourglass. The resulting residue caused property damage to several homes in the area.
Witnesses say Rakowski – accompanied by a herd of elephants with remarkably skinny legs and a banana gently rocking a smaller banana in a hammock made of even smaller bananas – was able to wordlessly and soundlessly change perception in a bizarre, yet eerily meaningful way. Police say those who fell victim to the non-linear phenomena were at a loss for words when asked to describe what they had seen, making the case difficult to prosecute.
“I’ve always been a realist,” said eyewitness, Jennifer McBann. “But it was all so weird. Just really, really weird. It was unsettling, and creepy, but also I couldn’t take my eyes away from it and I kind of felt like I had to keep watching. Now that I think of it, I really have no fucking clue what I saw. Like, actually. I have no idea what the fuck any of that was supposed to mean!”
Rakowski has since claimed that despite his plea entry, “reason remains to be the enemy of his works of true beauty,” and that he would find means of escape
At press time, Rakowski had attempted an escape armed with a single, floating rose.
