COLLINGWOOD ON – A report released earlier today by a think tank of local curmudgeons, crabs and cranks has sadly confirmed what many in the curmudgeon community already knew: It’s those damn kids again.
The newly-released report – commissioned in response to mounting fears that it was once again those damn kids – is the result of a thorough investigation of nearby lawns and sidewalks. While many had hoped that those little bastards had finally gone to school or something, irrefutable evidence now confirms that it’s those damn kids, they’re outside again, and they’re once again making all of that damn noise.
Originally surfacing in the spring of last year, those damn kids were initially out there reportedly every Goddamn day with that racket and that damn music of theirs.
“Despite a brief reprieve in damn kid activity, and the fact that it’s the damn winter and you’d figure they’d go inside or something,” explained the report, “the data speaks for itself: We find that once again, it is those damn kids. God damn it, those kids are out there. It’s them again.”
The 60 page report goes on to detail numerous disturbing findings about it being those damn kids, including the following:
- It’s definitely those damn kids again
- They’re right outside and up to god knows what
- Lord knows where their parents are
- They’re probably planning to steal our crabapples
- Son of a bitch
- It sounds like one of them has a rock or a stick
- Those damn skateboards
In response to the think tank’s alarming conclusions, a special anti-damn kids task force has been assembled, and is developing a three-pronged plan to encourage them to scram, go on, and git.
