OTTAWA — At a press conference on Thursday the federal government announced that they would replace the outmoded first-come first-serve immigration application process with a global rock-paper-scissors competition.
“Rock-paper-scissors is a zero-sum hand game that can engage infinite players,” explained Immigration Minister John McCallum. “Players compete by simultaneously making one of three shapes with their fingers and outstretched hands. The game is regarded as one of the fairest and most respected selection processes in Western society.”
“This government is simply taking a much-needed common sense approach,” stated McCallum. “Canadians tell us they want a process that is fairer for people sponsoring family members, a process that is good enough to end bar disputes over the last pint of a pitcher, a process worthy of determining high stakes life changing decisions such as who has to get up and go to the kitchen for more chips during a Netflix binge.”
Minister McCallum stated that the government plans to train hundreds of immigration officers to referee rock-paper-scissors. To address concerns over transparency, the process will be televised on TSN.
Ayaan Mashallah, who hopes to compete to bring his parents to Canada, stated: “Where I’m from our government determines access to social benefits with a nation-wide game of tic-tac-toe, but I will happily respect Canada’s unique customs”.
The government is expected to unveil further modernization efforts in the administration of public services, including drawing straws for access to Employment Insurance, bingo tournaments for transfer payments to Indigenous peoples, and Russian roulette for child care benefits.
