We’ve all been there: your holiday scene is set. The tree is up, the kids are asleep, and you’re ready to relax in front of the fire with a plate of cookies and Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas.” But alas, something’s missing: eggnog. Braving a blizzard to get to the store isn’t happening—it’s cold outside! Never fear—here are some last-minute tricks to help you get some eggnog in a pinch.
1) Mayonnaise and a candle
Easy peasy. Step 1, open a jar of full-fat mayonnaise. Step 2: light a candle. Step 3, hold the jar over the candle until it’s eggnog. Enjoy the sour, warm, eggy taste you eggnog lovers love.
2) A Bunsen burner and really old Sprite
Less romantic, but just as effective. For this version, follow the same directions as above. If possible, pour the Sprite into a mayonnaise jar to heat it. Wait until creamy—if necessary, melt some of the candle wax into the Sprite.
If anyone asks what kind of eggnog this is, ask them what’s wrong with it. They won’t be able to explain. Don’t break eye contact until they do.
Warm eggs a little bit and serve with a little bit of cream. If anyone protests, pinch nutmeg onto the top and tell them they’ll like it now. Keep warming the eggs until they relent.
4) Pennies with your eyes closed.
Put a penny in your mouth and close your eyes. Then try to remember what eggnog tastes like. This is what eggnog tastes like, isn’t it . This is what it has always tasted like.
5) Eggnog
Someone is laughing at us. Someone is watching. Someone wanted us to find the real eggnog now. My god, my god, it was here all the time.
Look in the mirror. You are the eggnog now. Though it curdles, do not recoil, for even its loathsomeness is your loathsomeness, and you must love it as you love yourself. Close your eyes. Open your heart. Drink.
Happy Holidays!
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