Langley, VA – A decades-long plot to get Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to pass away peacefully in his sleep has come to fruition, according to a statement from the CIA.
“We are proud to announce that our 53 years of patience have finally paid off,” said CIA spokesperson Ryan Trimarchi. “It seems silly in retrospect, but when President Kennedy first approved the plan there were many detractors who said it would fail.”
First hatched in 1963, so-called “Operation Sit-Back-And-Let-It-Happen” was one of many CIA plots intended to end the life of the Communist revolutionary and the only one to succeed. The mission’s completion was formally declared after Cuban State television announced Castro’s death at the age of 90.
“It’s just a shame that JFK didn’t live to see it,” Trimarchi added. “Or Johnson. Or Nixon. Ditto Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan. They all would’ve been real proud.”
The CIA’s announcement has been met with praise by Cuban-Americans, including policy advocate Mauricio Diaz.
“I give the CIA a lot of credit for being willing to play the long game in bringing down this oppressive dictator,” said the lobbyist and director of the Cuban Liberty PAC. “Until now no one in Cuba realized that ‘failures’ like the Bay of Pigs and all those assassination attempts were just a great cover for this master plan.”
“Now all we need to do is wait 5 or 6 years for Raul to have an aneurysm and we can finally bring Democracy to the Cuban people,” added Diaz.
The top secret plot is considered the longest continuous operation in CIA history. When the Cuban President outlived the operation’s initial target date of 2003, George W. Bush approved an additional 15 years of funding to send agents to hang around Havana. When Castro’s health led him to abdicate power in 2008, the CIA focused their efforts on deploying SR-71 Blackbirds daily to take pictures and confirm whether he was “still moving”.
“Some felt the program was wasteful, but there’s no denying it didn’t work,” said Trimarchi.
“And now, thanks to these efforts, Fidel Castro is no longer a threat to our democracy,” he concluded.
