HALIFAX – The current oldest man in the world, Johnson P. Bartholomew, 112, claims the key to longevity is holding on to as many petty grievances as possible.
“They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but why would I do that? Visiting the doctor the only reason I leave the house”, said Bartholomew, slowly, on his 112th birthday. “The doctor said my cholesterol would have given me a heart attack, so I didn’t have one for 50 years, just to spite that quack.”
The physician in question, one Dr. Michael Abrams, confirmed that to his surprise, rage does appear to continually restart Mr. Bartholomew’s heart. “It’s almost like his anger is greater than the fat clogging his arteries,” said Dr. Abrams. “His blood seems to pump through his heart like water bursting through a dam. It’s a miracle! I’m so happy for him but I don’t want to tell him as I’m afraid that happiness could kill him.”
Bartholomew said every time he starts to feel like he’s slowing down, he thinks of a former classmate, Jimmy, who stole his lunch money back in 1917. “That half-dollar may’ve got him a chicken pot-pie, but Jimmy had a stroke in the mid-70’s, and that always makes me smile,” Bartholomew added, wistfully.
Looking to the future, Bartholomew lists his biggest challenge as “not mellowing out”. Sources report that, as he gets older, Bartholomew has to try increasingly hard to remain angry. One trick he cites is “never acting” on his rage, choosing instead to bottle it up indefinitely. “Dogs, happy children, and the TV are my top 3 things to shake a fist at”, Bartholomew proclaimed with a sense of pride.
When asked to give young people advice, Bartholomew explained, “People don’t understand that being happy is boring. Of course you don’t want to go overboard, but just enough grievances to hate most walks of life is about all you’ll need.”
Bartholomew went on to say, “Nice guys finish last? Ha! That’s what my son said, who I outlived 10 years ago”.
At press time, Bartholomew was quietly seething in the direction of some teens.
