RUSTY CREEK – Financial reports out of Rusty Creek, Idaho, the location of the headquarters of the four largest U.S. spittoon manufacturers, have confirmed that spittoon profits are down yet again after 1.25 centuries of straight losses.
“While this didn’t catch us by surprise, it’s always a little disheartening to hear it every year,” said Gabby Sorghum, CEO of Sloppy Steel Spittoons, “We thought that the resurgence of old-timey moustaches and suspenders might signify that spittoons would come back into fashion this year too. Unfortunately that didn’t happen.”
That error in judgment cost the industry big with both Sloppy Steel and Rummy Joe’s Chaw Catchers investing heavily in new lines of locally sourced, artisanal spittoons to market to consumers. Sadly, only three of the 400,000 available for purchase from local retailers nationwide were ever sold.
“I know it doesn’t make much sense but people don’t seem to want to spit indoors anymore!” stated Jedediah ‘Toothrot’ Mumps of Mumps & Sons Gen-U-Ine Gob Goblets. “We’re trying to get the word out that stepping outside everytime you need to expectorate is inconvenient and gross. Think about the environment people! Spit in the privacy of your own homes into one of our brass Phlegm Pails.”
The absence of new, young customers is the biggest source of the shrinking market. A previous push to get Selena Gomez and The Weeknd to use spittoons any time they’re in public did yield some positive results; but, sadly, today’s youth just isn’t as enamored with the idea of horking out tobacco juice into a fancy bucket.
“We’ve got a few loyal saloons in Kentucky who buy up about 20 pallets a year. Plus some private users who still like to hear the satisfying ‘ping’ you can only get when you get your spit-shot just right,” confirmed Sly Mama Catfish, VP Sales at Big Snuff Spittoons, “Frankly, if it wasn’t for Disney needing to “authenticate” the Western areas of their theme parks and the prop department at Murdoch Mysteries, we probably would have gone belly-up some years ago.”
With profits shrinking annually, many observers see the industry as simply having to contract and pivot to stay competitive. Some suggestions have been to branch out into chamberpots, penny farthing bicycles, and combination horse trough/hitching posts in order to diversify. Recent attempts at entering the mobile app world met with failure after thousands of phones were irreparably damaged by users spitting on them.
“We’re looking into manufacturing bottles for Sasparilla, maybe,” said Buckaroo Kevin from Lil’ Lola’s Children’s Spittoons, “And we’re getting into high tech with our new Spitbit device that tracks how many times you spit in a single day. Ultimately though, we’ll probably just have to stop making so, so many spittoons.”
“Excuse me, I have to go spit,” he added.
