OUTSIDE BRANDON, MANITOBA – Late breaking reports from the TransCanada Highway indicate that, with all other conceivable options off the table, the men’s room of the Fast Gas N Go will have to suffice.
“Aw dammit,” whispered Kris Patel, 27, upon first spying the faded sign for the Fast Gas N Go. Currently halfway through his 10 hour drive from Winnipeg to Medicine Hat, Patel has reportedly made the desperate calculation that this men’s room will be his only feasible option for, what sources report, “is a serious Number Two”.
Reports indicate that Patel made the grave mistake of eating 2 Tim Hortons bran muffins over the past 5 hours of his ill-fated car trip. Further compounding the tragedy is the fact that, at each previous Tim Hortons, Patel failed to avail himself of the marginally more hygienic washroom facilities.
As he pulled into the gas station parking area, Patel allegedly considered a bold plan of action: doing his business in a leftover shopping bag. However, upon further thought, Patel calculated that this risky gambit would almost certainly result in the need for a bathroom visit regardless.
“I’ll get this pack of gum, and may I get the bathroom key,” blurted the horrified victim-to-be to gas station attendant Doug Wilson, 45. Eyewitnesses agreed that, during the hand-off, a look of unspoken terror passed between Patel and the seasoned gas station employee. Some speculated that was due to Wilson’s own first-hand knowledge of the sordid condition of the men’s room. Others insist it was feelings of crushing guilt over not having provided even a cursory bathroom cleaning in several days.
While experts agree that using this restroom is just barely a better option than “dropping a deuce” on the side of the road, they are decidedly split as to what unspeakably foul horrors Patel can expect to encounter inside. Reports indicate that Patel is currently imagining unidentifiable stains, the sound of buzzing flies, and possibly even the identifiable remains of a stranger’s most recent meal.
Worst still, no matter what fetid nightmares Patel is ultimately confronted with, his need to poop is sufficiently severe that he will not be able to change his mind and bolt from the scene.
UPDATE: Patel’s plan to immediately use the surely-soiled men’s room has hit a snag, upon discovering that it is both currently occupied, and that the current audibly-winded occupant will require, “Just a few minutes, bud.”
