A new study has found that 95% of airport delays are caused by someone seeking to stop the love of their lives from getting on a plane to take that job in San Francisco. Further delays are also caused by tearful confessions, huge romantic gestures and passionate embraces.
“This study confirms what we have known anecdotally for years,” said Howard Eng CEO of Pearson International Airport in Toronto.
“Just once, I would like to get through a day without flights being held up by some handsome guy who pulls one of the passengers out of the line and starts blabbing on and on about how his life has been changed ever since they met.”
The study also found a higher than average occurrence of convoluted misunderstandings, wise cracking best friends, and crowds of strangers applauding after the couple kisses.
Eng added, “It’s a nightmare for the Union to work out what we call ‘Grand Gesture Overtime Pay’.”
According to the study, 70% of tickets to Thunder Bay are bought by people just needing a boarding pass to get passed security.
“There is literally no other way for me to get into contact with John [than buying a plane ticket and dramatically stopping him before boarding],” said local bookstore owner Erica Andou as she waited outside a plane bound for San Francisco.
“But I guess his credit card gave him special early boarding privileges, so I’ll never get to tell him I love him and I’ll be sad forever.”
The study recommends combatting delays in a variety of ways, including having all security agents trained in relationship counselling. In addition to searching for potential weapons and other threats, agents will probe travellers for co-dependency and self-esteem issues that might make them cling too tightly to clearly problematic relationships.
Pearson in particular plans on combating this problem by placing large signs on the way to the airport, for example:
“It’s too late”
“This would be better said in an email”
“Yelling “don’t get that on plane” is strictly forbidden”
“Jessica is better off without you,” and
“A healthy relationship would have more non-airport communication,” to name a few.
