RIO DE JANEIRO – In a somber moment during the opening ceremonies for the Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games, a memorial video played in tribute to all the athletes expected to die in the coming weeks.
The tribute commenced with IOC president Thomas Bach addressing the crowd and introducing the still living athletes present in the stadium as both celebrated competitors and future tragic losses. The video featured stunning vistas of Rio’s beaches and landmarks cut with slow-motion, sepia shots of the athletes entering the stadium from just minutes ago. Sarah McLaughlin’s ‘Angel’ played throughout the memorial, which ended with the phrase “We expect to miss you – Rio 2016” over a stark black background.
“We felt that it was the right thing to do,” said Cesar Paredes of the Rio organizing committee, “It will be so unfortunate to have such vibrant, young lives taken from us so soon in the days to come. Their probable sacrifice will not go unnoticed.”
Safety fears have been raised with the Rio games since their announcement, with Zika, crime, poor quality housing, pollution, lack of police, and the emergence of an ancient C’thonic death cult preying on fit human specimens being the most cited risks.
“I appreciate the gesture,” said Michael Asterly, a Canadian long jump competitor, “but it was a little jarring when the video started predicting exactly which athletes would die. I was just chatting with Ryan Cochrane next to me when I saw my face flash across the screen with the caption ‘1989-2016’ beneath my image. I don’t even know if I’ll make it long enough to compete in my event!”
Organizers have also begun distributing Mad-Lib style press announcements for ease of publication after each passing. The text of which is reproduced below:
The IOC regrets to announce the unfortunate death of (Athlete’s Name), a respected competitor at these esteemed games representing the proud nation of (Country/Disputed Territory). (Athlete’s Name/Nickname) passed on after (circle one) contracting/visiting/ingesting/making eye contact with _______________. His/her death was sadly unavoidable. Citius – Altius – Fortius.
“I think most of us figure it’s inevitable,” admitted John Rogers, a BC high-dive participant, “I mean I’ve been brushing my teeth using the water that’s been leaking out of the electrical sockets in the rooms at the Athlete’s Village. It’s really just a matter of time.”
“My welcome package was a pistol, three bullets, and a handwritten note that just said ‘SURVIVE’ in red ink,” he added.
Early plans for the closing ceremonies are rumoured to include a summary cremation of all the fallen athletes using the Olympic flame.
