NIAGARA FALLS, ON – A new report affirms all the bad stuff you remember hearing about Marineland a couple of years ago is ‘probably cleared up by now.’
“Oh sure, after all that bad publicity, they must have made things good again,” said consumer advocacy spokesperson June Northrup. “And they’ve started running those happy ads again, so that probably means it’s all fixed?”
With four summers having passed since the Toronto Star published photographs of chemically-burned walruses, sea lions with lensless, ruined eyes, and transport trailers slick with beluga gore, experts maintain that surely, surely human decency must have prevailed at some point.
“Time heals all wounds,” said Niagara Falls resident Josh Tavares. “Except for the ones that killed Skoot, the baby beluga whale when there weren’t a lot of staff around to help. I guess those ones were, uh, pretty lasting.”
Recent visitors to the park confirm that, while the animals’ conditions may disgust them personally, they aren’t experts, and stuff there is ‘probably all up to code, or whatever.’
“I mean, hey, I probably would have changed that water a few weeks ago,” said Dante Jones, watching the park’s bears wade through grey-green murk to snap up floating bits of sugary cereal in their rotting teeth. “But the kids seem to like it, so what do I know?”
Although news readers felt shaky after hearing Marineland had buried upwards of a thousand animal carcasses in mass graves on their property, most agree the park would probably at least get a permit first before doing that now.
“All our facilities are legal,” said Marineland’s owner, John Holer, who hasn’t been charged with animal cruelty in years.
This is the most that things have probably been fixed at Marineland since 1999, when they hired an HR manager after the owner’s 65-year-old brother allegedly sexually assaulted a 16 year old employee.
