LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee has announced that, as punishment for the recent state-sponsored doping revelations, all of Russia’s athletes will be forced to participate in the upcoming Rio Olympics.
“It’s basically a disaster zone right now,” confirmed Leslie Hogarth, Director of Athlete Relations at the IOC, “the President was just impeached for corruption, the stadiums are still half-finished, and the police are unpaid and unwilling to keep the peace. I can’t think of a worse place for Olympians to be right now than at the Olympics.”
With calls for the entire Russian team to face a ban, the IOC has been mulling its options for several days. Eventually, the IOC agreed with the critics and has now implemented a full banning of Russia from dropping out of the Rio Olympics. Some commentators have noted that the punishment seems excessively cruel, suggesting forced labour, Russian prison camps, or a simple hot coal blinding as less draconian alternatives.
“Please don’t make me go!” screamed Pavel Bychutsky, a Moscow long-jumper, as he was dragged onto an awaiting commercial jet to Rio. “This is inhumane! I wasn’t even part of the doping. All my life I’ve been dreaming of competing at a world class sporting event! Don’t ruin that by making me go to the Rio Olympics! Please, kill me instead!” he pleaded.
The harshest punishment appears to be levelled against Russia’s swim, sailing, and windsurfing teams, who will be forced to compete in Rio’s various open-water venues, which have been described as “giant, open sewers” by local sailors. As an added irony, the IOC believes that any competitors who make contact with the water will be unlikely to pass any further drug tests, having ingested the various chemicals and pollutants present in the water itself.
“Look, we fully expect some athletes to die in Rio,” Hogarth stated, “and while their losses will be mourned, they will stand as grim reminders of the displeasure with which the IOC views doping.”
Russian officials have now dropped their appeal of the decision but have advised that they will continue to fight against the decision to force its soccer team to compete in the 2022 Qatar World Cup.
