UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SK – Only a few short decades after the spellbinding speaker and prairie populist’s alleged death, scientists monitoring the concrete sarcophagus of John Diefenbaker warn that cracks are beginning to appear along its surface.
“The Sarcophagus was supposed to last a thousand years,” said Prime Ministerial containment scientist Allen Zu. “And it’s starting to fail after only fifty.”
“May God have mercy on us all.”
Constructed out of some 400 000 cubic meters of concrete and 7300 tons of steel rebar, the Sarcophagus has already become compromised by Diefenbaker’s endless thrashing and searing rhetoric.
“The cracks are large enough that you can hear him shouting in there,” said an unshowered and rumpled Justin Trudeau to a silent House of Commons. “He is not happy about the Maple Leaf flag.”
Although bitterly divided along political lines, all parties in the House of Commons have rallied to pass a bill that would authorize use of Canada’s secret nukes, in the unthinkable event of ‘Breach’.
“This is a bipartisan issue,” said Conservative leader Rona Ambrose. “Red, Blue, Orange, or Green, nobody wants to wake up in the middle of the night with Diefenbaker’s jowly hands wrapped around their necks.”
While Trudeau has told Canadians that this is a time for unity, not condemnation, many have thrown blame at the feet of former Prime Minister Stephen Harper, for fanning the flames of prairie populism.
“In hindsight, of course it was a mistake to feed Diefenbaker all of that radiation,” said Harper, tearing off his necktie and pouring himself another triple of rye whiskey. “But Christ, with the Russians in Crimea, we weren’t sure if we would need a Diefenbaker later.”
With Diefenbaker’s squat fingers now thrusting through the crumbling Sarcophagus, desperate scientists have constructed a giant thrumming machine in the Pacific Ocean, in the last-ditch hope it will summon Lester B. Pearson to rise from the deep and do battle against him.
This is the biggest crisis in Canadian infrastructure since Mackenzie King’s Ghost Sphere almost ran out of Plasmonium.
