TORONTO – In a show of machismo earlier this morning, local man Kyle Dresden removed his shirt while working out so that he could unfold the third arm from behind his back and show off its impressive musculature.
“Ugh, I hate when guys do this,” said Lisa Kelly, a regular at the gym. “Like, we get it, you curl four times a week with all three of your arms. Just keep the shirt on man.”
Dresden has reported that “whipping out the back-scratcher” is a tactic he commonly employs when trying to impress women at the gym, claiming that he is only using the gifts that God gave him.
The gifts, and the horrible blight of a third arm.
“Some people have got style, some people have got grace,” continued Dresden. “I was blessed with a third arm that can never be removed because it has a major artery wrapped around it.”
“It’s just creepy, it’s grotesque,” said local woman Jaime Hendrick. “Flirting with people who are just trying to exercise, I mean. The arm thing is also kind of weird.”
While much of the unwanted attention given by Dresden and his dysplastic arm seems to be directed at female patrons of the gym, several male regulars have also expressed their discontent with his behaviour.
“That guy makes me super self conscious,” said Jerry Sovaldi. “There’s no way I could ever get my arms looking that good, and I’ve only got two to work on.”
Others complaints listed against Dresden by fellow gym goers have included refusing to use his free arm to spot, constantly using it to take gym selfies, and, perhaps most egregiously, cheating on his side planks.
“He also hogs a tonne of the equipment,” added Liam Preesha, another regular patron. “The guy will take bar bells while he’s doing pull ups, and he always take an uneven number. Do you know how inconvenient that is?”
When asked if he would curb his behaviour, Dresden said that he probably stop if he were to enter a committed relationship. Dresden admitted, though, that he has had trouble finding somebody who can accept him for what he is, an asshole.
