DORVAL, QC – Air Canada has announced a new “landing fee” to all customers who are in mid-flight at the present time.
“Our goal at Air Canada is always to provide the best quality service,” said spokesperson Peter Fitzpatrick. “Many passengers take for granted that a successful landing will be part of their flight. In order to remain competitive in this area of the market, we have had to acknowledge that reaching the ground is a service that needs to be paid for.”
In order for customers to safely return to earth, they will be required to pay the $45 fee to flight attendant staff. Any customers unable or unwilling to pay the fee will remain skybound until the transaction is completed.
“Yet another airline fee? What are you gonna do?” lamented passenger Sheila Dennis. “I certainly don’t want to live in the sky for the rest of my days, like some sort of nightmare scenario out of a fairy tale. I have to work tomorrow.”
Other customers were less stoic about the situation, including Mississauga man Herb Potchkin who was heard to cry numerous times “This is absolute horse pucky!” while refusing to pay the fee.
For its part, Air Canada, says it understands such concerns.
“We absolutely want to give our customers the comfort of choice,” explained Fitzpatrick. “So for a lower fee of $25, customers are welcome to make use of our Self-Landing System, as outlined in our helpful pamphlet.”
The pamphlet, which contains several helpful images detailing the various things upon which one can splatter or be impaled upon when ejected from the plane at 30,000 feet.
“If customers do not wish to take advantage of our services, they are more than welcome to de-plane and attempt landing without them,” Fitzpatrick continued. “However for customers who would rather avoid the hassle of hurtling towards the earth at terminal velocity, or remaining trapped in the clouds for the rest of their wretched days, Air Canada is happy to provide this third option at a nominal fee.”
Fitzpatrick concluded that he sees no scenario where they would pull back on the new fee, reiterating that airline flight is an increasingly costly venture, and that Air Canada does in fact find the sight of human misery as soothing as a massage chair.
At press time, in the event of a water landing, Air Canada says the landing fee will increase six fold.
