PASADENA – As further details emerge from the Panama Papers leak, rock band Van Halen have now been linked to the scandal.
In a statement, the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists confirmed the band had avoided taxation on record and concert sales for years, simply taking the money and running, in hot shoes which were burning down the avenue.
When reached for comment, singer David Lee Roth and guitarist Eddie Van Halen went ahead and jumped to issue differing views on the subject.
“I mean it’s obvious I’m responsible,” claimed Eddie. “David always liked to sing and dance but he never had an real gift for creative embezzlement. The man made money on cover songs, for god’s sake.”
Roth countered: “You think we could have profited from all that tax evasion without my charisma? Look, Eddie is a virtuoso; he’s given me the best years of my life in the band, and the best savings of my life with investments in his friend’s company Shred Holdings. But you don’t have to try so hard all the time, you know?”
Roth then swiveled his hips, spun, and shimmied out of the interview room, singing “I’ve got it bad, got it bad, got it bad; I’m hot for IRS.”
Former lead singer Sammy Hagar denied involvement, claiming he had removed his funds from the offshore investment due to Eddie Van Halen’s obsessive control over how the money would be handled.
When asked if the band would attempt to make amends or cover the tracks of their secretive tax evasion, they all agreed that at this point it was too late: they had the feelin’, power steerin’, pistons poppin’; ain’t no stoppin’ now.
