PANAMA CITY – Representatives of Mossack Fonseca, the law firm at the center of the Panama Papers leak, have spent the days since the leak visibly relieved that none of the human-hunting stuff has made it on to the public record.
“Our firm has never been charged in connection with criminal wrongdoing,” said public relations director Carlos Sousa, with a big smile, mopping his forehead. “And if there were hundreds of thousands of documents showing our involvement in criminal organizations that allowed the global 1% to hunt humans for sport, well, hah, why are we talking about this, because you can be sure that those documents don’t exist.”
Although none of the journalists in possession of the leaked documents have made accusations of human-hunting, Mossack Fonseca has been robust in their denial of the practice, going so far as to call entire press conferences on their lack of involvement.
“Human hunting? Of course not,” said CEO Ruben Hernandez, when asked a question unrelated to the hunting of humans. “Who said anything about a secret organization, The Dead Hand, that uses trillions in untaxed income to kidnap the finest human specimens from every nation, so Russian oligarchs and their deaf-mute servants can make wicked sport of them in the dark of the Panamanian jungle?”
“That organization doesn’t exist, it doesn’t give prey a knife and a three-hour head start, and it doesn’t operate out of ‘the Valley of Missing Journalists’.”
Hernandez then told journalists, unprompted, that the bite scars on his hands and forearms were not human bites, they were monkey bites, although there was little difference between a human and a monkey, and who would dispute that he had a right to hunt and taste the flesh of a monkey?
This is the biggest sigh of relief breathed by an organization since Edward Snowden did not manage to leak that the NSA had also been hunting humans for sport.
