TORONTO – Naturopathic Colleges in five provinces are investigating every single one of their members in response to complaints that they may be making unscientific claims or offering services of dubious medical value.
“We’re concerned that all 2,342 of our members coast-to-coast have been administering products and services without any evidence that they are effective,” announced Robert Greene of the College of Naturopathic Doctors of Alberta who is also investigating himself for claiming a simple herbal remedy could cure whooping cough. “We hold our profession to a high standard. Financially exploiting clients with misleading or untrue claims about our products and services while giving them a false sense of hope that they could be cured with something as simple as eating clay or hydrotherapy would be clearly unethical and borderline criminal.”
The Colleges have reassured the public that their doctors are permitted to give advice only in the area of their expertise. “Look, it would be downright crazy for a specialist in ionic foot baths to be prescribing you a homeopathic remedy; these are complicated, totally-not-bullshit procedures that take hours or even a day to learn about on YouTube.”
Some naturopaths, however, are resisting the push for more scrutiny.
“Look, I took two terms of biology at McGill,” said Dawn Lifespring, a registered vital energy field masseuse, “and I can tell you that science and industrial medicine don’t have all the answers. A doctor might tell that you have diabetes and that you need insulin, but what they don’t tell you is that it’s actually an invisible web of evil spirits wrapped around your pancreas.”
To demonstrate their commitment to transparency, the Colleges have hired a third party holistic auditing firm to conduct the investigation with all of the divining rods and ouija boards at their disposal.
With files from Thomas Barnes
